Im conflicted.
I feel more alive than ever before. Happier in myself and appreciative of what I have.I am in love, really powerfully, omg I can't believe I tried to settle for less and muddle through. I feel I've finally woken after living my whole life half asleep. In a fog.
I feel sad for the person I used ot be. It seems such a waste of a life.

From death comes life..

I'd go back in a heartbeat, spend my whole life that way to have him back though. It kills me to think that his life..her life..were sacrificed in order for me to finally be happy.
Whilst I was picking myself up and dusting myself off. Falling in love. Her life was being snuffed out. Her will and fierce joy for life, her loyalty and selfishless changed me. But I would go back to living in dense fog for her bright flame to reignite.

From death comes life..

Because I am happy, because I am alive and feeling things...things I have buried and not dealt with are bubbling beneath the surface. I totally shut down last year. Often not noticing weeks go by. Not knowing what month it was. I was numb.
Now I need help. I feel Im on the verge of some kind of meltdown but still fighting it off. Greg and I have chatted, and I have talked to SOnny's health worker and we have decided that grief counselling is necessary.
This is a terrifying prospect. It means acknowledging it. It means admitting that he is gone.ANd even writing that makes me choke.

From death comes life..

My next tattoo will read..'From death comes life'

Ok..now to lighten the mood..some pics.

some old self ps dor self p thursday